NEW YORK — In their latest effort to deny presidential nominee Donald Trump a place in the White House, the Never Trump movement is rallying around their preferred candidate, Satan. Ben Shapirowitz, the leader of Never Trump United, a grassroots movement consisting of ten or twelve disheveled teenagers, gave Dated Ways an exclusive interview.
“We think Satan has certain admirable qualities that make him way more qualified to be president than Donald Trump,” he said as he adjusted his yarmulke and spoke with a nasally, New York whine. “For starters, Satan has way better hair.”
When pressed to provide reasons why having better hair would make for a better president, he said, “How can you lead a country with bad hair? It’s unthinkable. The world’s best presidents all had excellent hair:
Shapirowitz also wanted to lay to rest some of the reservations that voters may have for choosing the Prince of Darkness on election day. “There’s been some talk about Satan’s deleted e-mails, his questionable health, his ability to turn vast stretches of land into lakes of fire — whatever. These aren’t real issues. The real issue is that Trump said some mean things and Satan probably didn’t.”
We asked Shapirowitz whom he thought Satan would appoint to be the next few supreme court justices. “Probably a demon or two. Werewolves. Maybe even inanimate objects like lampshades and tennis shoes. I see no problem with this.”
When he was asked to elaborate, Shapirowitz said, “Well, you have to think about who Trump would appoint. Who would Trump appoint? I’ll tell you — Russians. Those guys strangle fucking bears and stuff. Now I’m shvitzing, oy!”
We thanked Shapirowitz for his time and he thanked us for helping to spread awareness for Never Trump United and for their preferred candidate, Satan. He started to say something else but left the call abruptly when his mother called him to dinner for the third time.