NEW YORK — In their latest effort to deny presidential nominee Donald Trump a place in the White House, the Never Trump movement is rallying around their preferred candidate, Satan. Ben Shapirowitz, the leader of Never Trump United, a grassroots movement consisting of ten or twelve disheveled teenagers, gave Dated Ways an exclusive interview.

“We think Satan has certain admirable qualities that make him way more qualified to be president than Donald Trump,” he said as he adjusted his yarmulke and spoke with a nasally, New York whine. “For starters, Satan has way better hair.”

When pressed to provide reasons why having better hair would make for a better president, he said, “How can you lead a country with bad hair? It’s unthinkable. The world’s best presidents all had excellent hair:

Shapirowitz also wanted to lay to rest some of the reservations that voters may have for choosing the Prince of Darkness on election day. “There’s been some talk about Satan’s deleted e-mails, his questionable health, his ability to turn vast stretches of land into lakes of fire — whatever. These aren’t real issues. The real issue is that Trump said some mean things and Satan probably didn’t.”

We asked Shapirowitz whom he thought Satan would appoint to be the next few supreme court justices. “Probably a demon or two. Werewolves. Maybe even inanimate objects like lampshades and tennis shoes. I see no problem with this.”

When he was asked to elaborate, Shapirowitz said, “Well, you have to think about who Trump would appoint. Who would Trump appoint? I’ll tell you — Russians. Those guys strangle fucking bears and stuff. Now I’m shvitzing, oy!”

We thanked Shapirowitz for his time and he thanked us for helping to spread awareness for Never Trump United and for their preferred candidate, Satan. He started to say something else but left the call abruptly when his mother called him to dinner for the third time.



  1. veraserebrennikova February 20, 2017 / 6:51 pm

    “I’ll tell you — Russians. Those guys strangle fucking bears and stuff. Now I’m shvitzing, oy!”
    Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, as a Russian I would find that mean too but no no that cant be after all this is said by a guy agains mean moments. To clearly understand why I find this comment to means one must understand where it is I am coming from. Well I was born in Russian so I do consider my self Russian even tho my background is a big mixed. But that isn’t the only reason why this comment is mean to me, another reason is I have actual family members that worked for nature reserves in Russian. In fact one of the animals the nature reserves are known fro protecting is bears. Protecting them isn’t a lay back job in which you lay back and bitch about your day. In such a job man die after all bears are used for all kinds of stuff. So it is a deadly one, that idea that Russian strangle one is a mean one. When you know that mean put their life on the line to make sure bears get to stay safe. Sure they have hunting season but even then those people on the job make sure that it is all done within limits. But no this guy is great should lead the people agains people who say mean things. OMG there is a problem how can he lead men agains him and those like him?


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