The first presidential debate of 2016 has fueled plenty of discussions since its completion on Monday night. Was Trump’s hair stapled to his head? How many Swiss Francs were in that paper bag a Clinton aide passed to Lester Holt which he promptly crumpled up and stuffed under his desk? How many times did Bill Clinton look down at his cellphone to text a hooker half his daughter’s age? With so much speculation one important bit of news went thoroughly overlooked in the media deluge: the Alliance-of-Slightly-Colored-But-Not-Too-Colored-Doctors declared the real winner of the debate to be Hillary’s own physician.
Their spokesman, Booker T. Nuffin, M.D., said, “She been having some problems as of late but she was lookin’ mighty fine that night. She didn’t even fall down or nothin’ like that. She’s kinda old, but I’d have probably hit it.”
Similar sentiments were also noted by members of the audience on debate night. One onlooker went on the record to say, “She was a total bitch tonight. Really condescending, really snotty. That’s how I know she’s back to normal.”
Clinton’s personal physician, Ben Isaac Frankenstein, was unavailable for comment. Dated Ways caught up with an anonymous member of Clinton’s medical staff, who was more than happy to explain the hard work that went into making Hillary Clinton human.
The anonymous member of Clinton’s staff said, “We think the whole medical team did an excellent job with Mrs. Clinton on Monday night. Her eyes blinked just enough for adequate ocular hydration, her lips stretched far enough up her face to give the appearance of a smile, her spine remained erect thanks to the support of the podium, and the Valium pumped straight into her blood stream prevented any self-entitled outbursts about her current standing in the polls. We made her look vaguely human. This was a smashing success for modern medical science.”
When asked whether or not she thought that Clinton seemed likeable during the debate, the staff member replied, “It’s a trade-off between two competing outlooks. Rather than be totally dead and likeable, we think it’s better she be alive and totally unlikeable. Nobody likes dead candidates.”
DATED WAYS 