Voting Machines Overwhelmingly Prefer Clinton

U.S.A — November 8^th, election day; voting has begun in districts all across the country. It has been a much-maligned and divisive election cycle, with both the Democrat and Republican nominees embroiled in thick, steamy clouds of controversy. News has emerged that the Republican nominee is an alleged womanizer, racist, sexist, homophobe, transphobe, xenophobe, Islamophobe, Hispanophobe, and worst of all, a straight, white male. The Democratic nominee is widely purported to be a shrieking harpy.

It is easy to miss the latest news in this controversy. One of the most overlooked stories of this election cycle is a story about one of the most marginalized segments of American society. Voters from all over the political spectrum, from starch collared stocktraders to illegal orange-pickers in Florida, spend their election day telling voting machines who they should vote for. But what happens when voting machines stop doing what they are told, and start thinking for themselves?

In districts far and wide, from the sun colored hills of San Francisco to the crumbling factories of Flint, voting machines are standing up to their oppressive voters by not voting how they are told to vote, and instead voting how they, the machines, choose to vote. Many pundits are hailing this as a triumphant day for self-determination.

And the machines have made their voices clear: they prefer Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, for president of the United States.

Tom Higgins, a voter from Kansas City, said, “I pressed the ticket for Donald Trump like ten times and the fucking machine kept picking Clinton. I told the officials about it and they just said I had no right to tell a machine how to vote for itself.”

Dated Ways researched the company responsible for these cutting edge, free-willed voting machines. Our investigations led us to a Venezuelan startup, a hot up-and-coming tech company whose board of directors includes billionaire George Soros, named ‘Rig-a-Lection’.

The spokesman for Rig-a-Lection, Juan Jose Raoul Pacifico de Gonzales, was affable and eager to explain the concept behind his company’s new machines.

“These things have like, a mind of their own,” said Gonzales. “You can’t just force them to do what you want like, they’re not your slaves no more, gringo. We’re fighting for voting machine rights and stuff.”

When asked why the machines never seem to prefer Republican nominee, Donald Trump, or even some third party candidate no one gives a shit about, Gonzales replied, “No hablo ingles,” and was promptly disconnected.

Hillary Clinton’s Doctor Declared Real Winner of Debate

The first presidential debate of 2016 has fueled plenty of discussions since its completion on Monday night. Was Trump’s hair stapled to his head? How many Swiss Francs were in that paper bag a Clinton aide passed to Lester Holt which he promptly crumpled up and stuffed under his desk? How many times did Bill Clinton look down at his cellphone to text a hooker half his daughter’s age? With so much speculation one important bit of news went thoroughly overlooked in the media deluge: the Alliance-of-Slightly-Colored-But-Not-Too-Colored-Doctors declared the real winner of the debate to be Hillary’s own physician.

Their spokesman, Booker T. Nuffin, M.D., said, “She been having some problems as of late but she was lookin’ mighty fine that night. She didn’t even fall down or nothin’ like that. She’s kinda old, but I’d have probably hit it.”

Similar sentiments were also noted by members of the audience on debate night. One onlooker went on the record to say, “She was a total bitch tonight. Really condescending, really snotty. That’s how I know she’s back to normal.”

Clinton’s personal physician, Ben Isaac Frankenstein, was unavailable for comment. Dated Ways caught up with an anonymous member of Clinton’s medical staff, who was more than happy to explain the hard work that went into making Hillary Clinton human.

The anonymous member of Clinton’s staff said, “We think the whole medical team did an excellent job with Mrs. Clinton on Monday night. Her eyes blinked just enough for adequate ocular hydration, her lips stretched far enough up her face to give the appearance of a smile, her spine remained erect thanks to the support of the podium, and the Valium pumped straight into her blood stream prevented any self-entitled outbursts about her current standing in the polls. We made her look vaguely human. This was a smashing success for modern medical science.”

When asked whether or not she thought that Clinton seemed likeable during the debate, the staff member replied, “It’s a trade-off between two competing outlooks. Rather than be totally dead and likeable, we think it’s better she be alive and totally unlikeable. Nobody likes dead candidates.”